The only time I was ever abducted by aliens I have to admit I was asking for it.
I was wearing provocative clothing. I had my hair done up real trampy. And I kept pushing the On/Off button for WORMHOLES in the universe control room.
“You just don’t do that,” the alien said to me sticking one of its little tentacle suckers to my forehead. I was later informed that this action is considered a significant insult in the alien’s culture. Or a sexually aggressive one, depending on the context. Considering what they did after they abducted me I cannot be 100% certain it was an insult. But we’ll say I’m 80% sure.
When I was in third grade I was punched in the chin. I was asking for that one too. I don’t even remember the little dick’s name, but well call him Rick.
I was cursed with a family that had no idea what appropriate physical contact was. My parents almost never hugged or embraced us. The only real time my mother touched us was to play games like, “Stop Hitting Yourself.” And naturally my siblings and I used physical contact almost exclusively for fighting.
So when Rick got on the bus – he was two years younger than I – I tapped him on the shoulder to ask him a question. He said in what I would now interpret as a very clear indication that he didn’t want to speak to me, “I’m pissed off. I don’t want to talk to you,” but at the time I saw this as an invitation to tap him on the shoulder again. Familial experience had taught me to toe the line whenever possible.
I tapped him on the shoulder again.
“If you tap me one more time I’m gonna punch you in the mouth.”
“Yeah, right!” I thought to myself. He’s not going to punch me in the mouth, and I tapped him again. I was right. He punched me in the chin. Maybe he thought my mouth was lower.
The punch really didn’t hurt, but it was so shocking to me that I spent the next ten minutes of the bus ride trying not to cry.
I never learned the name of the alien that abducted me, but I bet in its language it translates to Rick. If you look closely you can still see a translucent ring on my forehead from that damn sucker. I’m told that will fade in a little less than one standard galactic week. I’ve no idea how long that is.